Have you ever taken a step back.

Have you ever taken a step back and looked at your life?
Taken into account everything positive you have at this current point in time.
Finally ignored the fact that you hated your life and really looked at what was good.
I did that today, and you know what. It killed me.
I now no longer hate my life and no longer get smiley when something good happens.
I now just panic, thinking anything good i have i am going to loose.
It is scary, knowing that i am leaving my current life situation in 24 days and I don't know how i am going to change as  a person in those days.
I sit alone in my room and type a blog that more than likely no one will read, and i cry and i admit i am scared. I admit to noone but i do admit it.
I cry until i have cried so much i have no more tears and an extremely bad headache, I feel like i am on the verge off a nervous breakdown and why???
Because i decided to look positively on my life, because i thought it would be a good idea to record what i have done which was good.
Isn't that insane? That a girl takes time to really look back and it makes her feel awful?
WHY????
I do not understand anything about my mind and the way i feel.!!!! IT SUCKS